I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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