im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
4 to the list in one week. Slutsville isn't as fun as the brochure promised.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
Randomize
