Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
well he is only 50 percent black.. but after last night i am 100 percent not going back
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
Nothing but goodness could come from two friends getting naked. Think of all the good advice and other things we could give to each other.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
Randomize
