woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
And I hope you're not misinterpreting us fucking as me trying to win you back. The sex is good and girls have needs.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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