Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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