Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
Randomize
