hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
Randomize
