i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
Randomize
