I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
