before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
