I'll bet she douches with gravy.
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
We went out. i got lost. dunno where they were. they slept in the car. i slept in an outdoor shower. i dont know anything else.
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
