Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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