shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
I just remember her telling me "Hi, my names Kaissa and I'm a lesbian" over and over and over and over again as I was crying.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Randomize
