barbara walters just said penis...
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Randomize
