It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
Randomize
