God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
I want to hump her dimples until her face caves in.
So many issues. You honestly need help.
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
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