Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
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He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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