you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
I need to sanitize my soul.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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