Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
I vaguely remember walking down the highstreet with a plate of K offering lines to passers buy. I sold a line to a taxi driver.
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
