i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
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