The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
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