I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
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