I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
alright got my week's quota of sex in, ready for modern warfare 2
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
Randomize
