Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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