if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize
