dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
