She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
Randomize
