tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
I am one with the molecules
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
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