Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
cassie wtf are you alive??! no one has seen you for like seven hours whereeee did you go
IS IT POSSIBLE FOR A GUY TO NOT HAVE BALLS
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Randomize
