I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
my quiz for the book was only 2 questions and my one answer was sorry and then a sad face
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
Randomize
