She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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