She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
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