I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
I've got to admit, I'm a little hesitant about giving him road head. I've seen how he drives and I've seen how he acts when I give him head. A small part of me is saying this is going to end badly.
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Randomize
