She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
