Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
you proceeded to suck on ur pinkie saying it reminded you of chris and you wanted him badly
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
we're like Indians of the 21st century. trading not for food and survival but personal gain and by trouble you mean getting daytime drunk and going to the roller ring then yes.
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
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