I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
Randomize
