i wish peter jackson would direct porn
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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