Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
The air was thick with penises
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
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