we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
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