Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
Randomize
