I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
I was topless in his bathroom sink taking bong rips , goodmorning . He told me he could get use to this
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
Is it really road head if took place on kayaks in the river?
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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