Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize
