I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
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