She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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