I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
Randomize
