I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
You were trust falling into bushes
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
Randomize
