i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
