thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
Randomize
