uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
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