Kay wants to put chicklets in our cooters to make beavers and take pix captioned Got Wood? Taking public transit does scary things to her.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
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