I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Randomize
