i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
Randomize
