i like that octo mom she is my favorite xmen
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
Randomize
