She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
It would be one hovered percent delicioui
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
Randomize
