nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
found an empty one..2nd door on the right...i'm already naked.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
