Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
Randomize
