im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
Randomize
