Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
Just pee around me
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
Randomize
