There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
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i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
I'm just concerned as to why his penis is two different colors.
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
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