I'm going to jail i love you
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
How high?! We watched paid programming for 45 minutes before we realized it wasn't just a long commercial. So pretty high. The Bionic fish finder looks promising, though.
Lets get a boat first.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
