This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
Pushiiing vjews 4 ma daz caik
Lyk hr kuds 4
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
