Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
Randomize
